Hair

Change is something that interests me. For most of my life, I have had long (or at least, long-ish) hair. Part of this is because long hair is fairly easy to style - pull it back in a barrette or up in a ponytail and voila! - and also because I'm both cheap and lazy, and making an appointment, getting to the hairdresser, waiting my turn, getting the cut and then getting home often takes the better part of an afternoon, and I don't even want to think about the cost anymore.

When I was in college, I dyed my hair on a regular basis. Just wash-out stuff, though. My natural color is a nondescript "mousy brown" of the sort that female protagonists in YA novels complain about as The Most Boring Color Ever. When I went to Comic-Con, I met this one girl who had a fantastic turquoise dye job. Even then, though... I've just always been a bit uncertain about permanent dyes. They're so... permanent!

It also used to be incredibly thick. Back in 2010 I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after surgery I had chemo and radiation. Losing your hair is a common side effect, but it's not a sure thing. So I got mine chopped and donated it and went ahead and got highlights. (Meh.) It did end up coming out -- it was hard to tell at first, though, because my hair was so freaking thick that it shed a lot.

I wore wigs to work and around town. Although I had several scarves, I never really got the hang of them. But as weeks turned into months, I got more and more comfortable with my scraggly pate. One thing they don't tell you is that your hair still tries to grow and just keeps dying off because of the drugs. I was expecting a smooth, shiny noggin and I never got one.

When it grew back, it was curly at first, which is pretty common. By the next summer I had a full head of hair, and it had started coming in straight again. It's a little weird having hair that does two things, but I guess it's better to have it curly first then straight, with the curls at the ends, than vice versa! But I've noticed that it isn't nearly as thick as it used to be. Mostly, I'm glad. It doesn't shed nearly as much, it's a bit easier to style, and it looks more like hair is supposed to look, instead of giving me a perpetual mushroom-head. Even so, it still feels a little weird. When I sit back with my head against a pillow, there's just not as much there.

Also my eyebrows are now super-sparse and my face looks wrong to me. Fortunately it's pretty easy to take care of with eyebrow pencils. Or brown eyeliner, if I want something a little darker. Hell, even eyeshadow works. (As long as I don't use something funky like green or orange.)

More recently, I quit shaving my legs. I haven't been one for shorts or skirts for quite some time, so it's not really noticeable. Somehow, for no apparent reason, I wondered how long it would take for my legs to go past "scratchy" into "fluffy." My arm hair is super-soft and I wondered if my leg hair would be similar. I figured it wouldn't be exactly the same because the Hunk is a man, and so he isn't expected to shave his body hair, and his leg hair is a tiny bit coarser and curlier than his arm hair. Also I think it's not as long as it gets... though that varies.

Mine's the same way. It's soft and a little shaggy now. It doesn't lay as neatly as my arm hair does. Because I'm tall, I've always been self-conscious about wearing pants that showed anything above the ankle. Capris just look weird to me. And so for awhile I was even more self-conscious, because of course in our society women are expected not to have hair on their legs.

But I have some exercise wear that comes to mid-calf. Yes, it looks weird to me, but it was affordable and comfy, so I bought it. And it feels ever so daring to wear that when I go for a walk or run errands or something. I feel just the slightest bit scandalous! When I think about it, I can't help grinning at how silly it is -- oo, leg hair, sooo avant-garde. Whatever, Clix, you're a goofball.

I do still shave my nethers and under my arms. Too much hair down there feels odd, like I may have started my period without noticing. And to avoid being smelly I wear deodorant, and if there's hair under my arms it tends to tangle (ouch!) or get clumps (ew).

My attitude toward my body changes often, as I'm sure is the case for most women. I drift between being curious and impressed at the way that it works at some times and then at others vainly wishing it was more conventionally attractive. Sometimes it's both at the same time!

Good Habits - August 21

I really don't feel like writing. I don't want to write. I hate this. Plus also I know that I ought to write a reflection of how my first week back at school went. So it feels like this is kind of redundant.

My hair is almost completely gone. I got my first two wigs yesterday, then we came home and hacked away at my hair until it was longish stubble, then took a straight razor to my head. It was amazing how much hair I still had when it was only an inch or two long. The back is now completely shorn and it feels amazing. I love running my hand over my naked scalp. It just loooves to be petted. Well, with the grain, anyway. Against the grain isn't painful; it just isn't as ahhhhhhh as being petted the "right" way.

The dark red wig is super-cute. We went out to eat last night and I had the best hair in the restaurant! Whee! The blonde one is probably not going to work, which is a bummer. The roots are teased to give it more volume, and as a result it's kind of an un-style-able mass. Mess? It falls in my face and if I try to pull the front sections back, it's really easy to see the false hairline.

And I also tried on Nana's wig. It is little-old-lady hair, and the tag says it's synthetic so I don't think it can be dyed. Alas, no blue hair for me unless I buy one that comes blue (I'm NOT shelling out for natural hair and then dyeing that). Anyway, I think it's adorable. It is SO FUNNY because it's very obviously a little-old-lady wig but... I don't know, I think I pull it off pretty well.

Sometime today I should hear about my other one, but it might not be in until Monday. I'm kind of hoping for today, because I'd like to wear that one to the hafla tonight if it looks good. We'll see!

Good Habits - August 20

I really don't feel like writing today.

I did brush my teeth last night. And wash my face. The blemish right below my nose seems to be mostly healed.

I am eating cereal and DAMMIT we are NOT going to McDonald's today!

I didn't go for my walk yesterday because I ended up working until 6. Now that's with a visit from a former student and eating-while-working for a bit (the Hunk went to get Chinese take-out for us). But it's also with help from the Hunk. So overall I think I got out of there a good bit faster than I would've alone.

Hopefully we'll get to pick up my wigs after I have my blood work done today. I'm also dancing at a hafla tomorrow, so I really really hope they look good. I've been excited for awhile, but now I'm also sort of nervous.

My hair has been coming out quite steadily since yesterday. Wednesday was when I first noticed it, but yesterday it started tufting. But what I was really glad about was that I talked to a lady at our school who'd been diagnosed and gone through treatment last year and she said that her arm and leg hairs came out too. And I mean, that kind of makes sense, because cytotoxic therapy attacks cell division so it really does affect ALL your hair.

Including the hair Down There, if you know what I mean. In between classes (teachers can only do what must be done at certain times, after all) I got a bit of a surprise in my drawers. I remember going, "oh my. How interesting."

The neat thing is that I've lost a lot of the sensation under my right arm since my most recent surgery. And the first time I tried to shave I just couldn't, because since I couldn't feel it I was scared I'd cut myself (because you can hardly see it, either).

So now at least that's something I won't have to worry about for three more months! Losing brows and lashes might stink but there's pencils for brows, and I've used falsies for bellydance before. Now I guess I just get more practice!

The hardest part was last night. The Hunk brushed my hair out and it felt soooo good. I mean, I just like it when he brushes my hair. It's incredibly soothing, because he's so gentle, and being touched so softly by someone who loves you so much is just amazing.

But then later he mentioned that it had been really hard for him to do and he started crying and ... I can't make it better. :( I know exactly what he means - it's this constant reminder that something really is terribly wrong.

This particular symptom is hardest because quite literally, I'm falling apart. And there's nothing he can do about it except try to encourage me and support me. The thing is, though, I already have lots of encouragement and support. I think it's starting to leak out my ears!! But it's got to be even harder for him, because I think he feels like... like somehow he doesn't have the right to be upset or frustrated or worried because he's not the one with cancer. Or no, that's not right. That he can't SHOW his frustration or worry because it might upset ME. I think that's closer.

But I told him that I figured we'd each have some down times, and I wanted him to let me be there for him, too, just like I know he's here for me.

Good Habits - August 18

We got up so late that I think I didn't brush my teeth. *sigh* And I was so hungry that I ate a bowl of cereal and STILL wanted a McDonald's sandwich.

I don't know if I'm going to meet my word count, either. I'm tired and achy, and I got a full night's sleep last night - and then some. I slept right through class I was so tired. Completely forgot about it. Slept from like 5-10 and then had dinner. Went back to bed around midnight and slept through until the second alarm. Neither of us noticed the first one at all.

Side effects growing more noticeable. There's this zingy feeling in my mouth - a faintly metallic taste, like I'm sucking on a penny. I can't taste my food as much, but it's weird because it's still very satisfying. We had pizza tonight and it was particularly good - perhaps because of the variety of textures.

And I think my hair is starting to come out. I kind of freaked out today at school when I had an itch on my scalp, I scratched, and came away with a dozen strands.

Dammit, I'm not undead! I'm not supposed to have bits and pieces of me falling off! But I shake my head and ... whee, there goes another one onto the keyboard.

Fortunately I pick up my wigs on Friday. So over the weekend I'll probably get my head shaved and on Monday come in as a redhead. I've never shorn my head before. I wonder what that'll feel like.

I reeeally miss being able to have the Hunk "crunch" me. Haven't felt comfortable with that since surgery. But my shoulder and arm are feeling so much better. Maybe in another week or so we can get back to that.

302! woot!