Good Habits - August 20

I really don't feel like writing today.

I did brush my teeth last night. And wash my face. The blemish right below my nose seems to be mostly healed.

I am eating cereal and DAMMIT we are NOT going to McDonald's today!

I didn't go for my walk yesterday because I ended up working until 6. Now that's with a visit from a former student and eating-while-working for a bit (the Hunk went to get Chinese take-out for us). But it's also with help from the Hunk. So overall I think I got out of there a good bit faster than I would've alone.

Hopefully we'll get to pick up my wigs after I have my blood work done today. I'm also dancing at a hafla tomorrow, so I really really hope they look good. I've been excited for awhile, but now I'm also sort of nervous.

My hair has been coming out quite steadily since yesterday. Wednesday was when I first noticed it, but yesterday it started tufting. But what I was really glad about was that I talked to a lady at our school who'd been diagnosed and gone through treatment last year and she said that her arm and leg hairs came out too. And I mean, that kind of makes sense, because cytotoxic therapy attacks cell division so it really does affect ALL your hair.

Including the hair Down There, if you know what I mean. In between classes (teachers can only do what must be done at certain times, after all) I got a bit of a surprise in my drawers. I remember going, "oh my. How interesting."

The neat thing is that I've lost a lot of the sensation under my right arm since my most recent surgery. And the first time I tried to shave I just couldn't, because since I couldn't feel it I was scared I'd cut myself (because you can hardly see it, either).

So now at least that's something I won't have to worry about for three more months! Losing brows and lashes might stink but there's pencils for brows, and I've used falsies for bellydance before. Now I guess I just get more practice!

The hardest part was last night. The Hunk brushed my hair out and it felt soooo good. I mean, I just like it when he brushes my hair. It's incredibly soothing, because he's so gentle, and being touched so softly by someone who loves you so much is just amazing.

But then later he mentioned that it had been really hard for him to do and he started crying and ... I can't make it better. :( I know exactly what he means - it's this constant reminder that something really is terribly wrong.

This particular symptom is hardest because quite literally, I'm falling apart. And there's nothing he can do about it except try to encourage me and support me. The thing is, though, I already have lots of encouragement and support. I think it's starting to leak out my ears!! But it's got to be even harder for him, because I think he feels like... like somehow he doesn't have the right to be upset or frustrated or worried because he's not the one with cancer. Or no, that's not right. That he can't SHOW his frustration or worry because it might upset ME. I think that's closer.

But I told him that I figured we'd each have some down times, and I wanted him to let me be there for him, too, just like I know he's here for me.