Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Good Habits - August 31

So photo day is finally over. I don't have a lot to say about it. It didn't take as long as I'd figured. I have a student that is apparently very impressed by my ability to type fast. We got done early enough that I don't have anything for us to do. I'm so ready to go home. And maybe take a nap. Napping sounds good.

Everything is paperwork.

And now we're finally on afternoon announcements! Hurray!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Good Habits - August 30

So today has been hectic. Right now we're reading silently (kids' books). Somehow I got all the way to 4th block and it feels like I've barely had time to blink. I'm SO ready to go home and take a nap. I need to call the doctor to see if they can send the request for my shot over to the ER so I can get it a little later.

I am petrified about photo day tomorrow.

I need to create a sign-up sheet for seniors. And I need to schedule candids. Couldn't get through earlier because the photo place is on Central time. :P My plan period ended before they opened.

I'm tired and ... tired. I don't want to go get a shot. :(

I don't have a whole lot else to say. Or write.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

To Do

Songs to get: El Fen, 21st-Century Gypsy, When You're Evil, Zina. I wonder if P will let me borrow/have his bowler? Do this today. Done!

I have GOT to request the gym for Tuesday. Need to give the form to the office but also let the phys ed dept chair know. I think I can get by without a sub; since we're still on blocks, I've got English, JRL2, plan, and JRL1. And that first block won't be released to the gym until after announcements, so I can meet my class in the room, have them write down their first assignment, and then head to the gym, having them bring their stuff. I think they'll learn more with me in the gym than without me in the room. Do this ... well, I'll send the email today, but I need to stop by on Monday.

Need to let the church food-helpers know that we can take another few casseroles... it's just that with only two of us, it takes forever to finish off something as big as they sent last time! Maybe we can invite Mom and Dad over, lol! Do this Sunday, for obvious reasons.

I really need to sit down and plan out my JRL 1 lessons more coherently. I still feel like I'm flying blind with that class. I think I'm going to take my notebook to the workshops today and do some thinking during our down-time. Do this today. Tried. Don't know what I'm doing. EMAIL REBECCA! HELP!

Need to pester teachers to GET ME THEIR ROSTERS. Dangit. Do this tonight.

Need to pay medical bills. UGH. It's just a matter of sitting down and DOING it, but gah, that's so tedious. Maybe if the Hunk loads the dishwasher while I do it I won't grouch about it so much ;D (his handwriting is hard to read, so I get to do all the checks). Let me tell you, I am SO GLAD we have decent insurance. At this point, I'm fairly sure that we're getting out more than we've put in. Do this tonight. Need to get some one-cent stamps!

Need to respond to the writers' notebooks that were turned in. And come up with alternate assignments for the slackers who couldn't produce a frickin' composition book in TWO WEEKS, but ALSO did not come to me before or after school to let me know that it might be a problem. Do this Sunday. Need to conference with students. Check Monday's lesson plans!

Need, need, NEED to send my rosters to the media center to make sure we're clear to get online. Do this today.

Plan out how to do the stupid ID cards and have that ready for 4th.
Call Joe M back about cross-country and cheerleading. MONDAY.
Find out WTF is up with football. Check with Coach Suttle.
Get lists of who has which planning from the office. MONDAY
Get a list of student names to plan out photo day. MONDAY
Get in touch with Rebecca. Still need info about contract. Not happy. Find out about a possible plant trip. What WOULD we be looking for in a workshop?
Send rosters to library. Can my students get online YET? Grh.
Call subs for next chemo.

That feels pretty good!

Good Habits - August 28

So now I figured out why I've been so pooped - it's because I haven't had enough PARTY!

I had soooo much fun at the hafla last night. I told the other English teachers we were having a post-chemo get-together. We met up in the parking lot of a church... and then walked across the street to the dance studio I go to! ;D They had nooo clue! I'd set up a workshop ahead of the hafla and my instructor walked everyone through some basic moves... and some not-so-basic moves! There was lots and lots of giggling. I'd brought some coin scarves and fringe belts (lots of purple, of course) and everyone got to pick through. "Like playing dress-up," they said! They did SUUUCH a great job. It was awesome.

Next time, for drinks? I'm bringing a case of bottled water. :P

It was WAY more down-to-earth than last Saturday's hafla, which felt much more like a performance. After the workshop, everyone just kind of hung out for awhile, then our host went over to the CD player and said, "hey, what's everyone want to dance to?" and just made up a playlist based on requests. We didn't have coordinated costumes - I danced in jeans, which is probably part of why I sweated sooo much - and most of us hadn't brought props, so there was lots of sharing and borrowing. It was just very low-key.

Not much to say about this morning. There's more workshops today but I don't feel like rushing. Mom's coming by to pick me up (the car should be ready Monday or Tuesday) and then we're gonna go!

After next session, I will be HALF WAY DONE WITH CHEMO! Yaaay!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Good Habits - August 27

God, what a day already. I woke up well before the alarm went off and I'm TIRED. Again. Already. I did brush my teeth (yayme) but we also went by McDonald's (bad). There's too much going on and I'm constantly feeling stupid.

Like last night. We went out to eat and it... well, it wasn't horrible, but we were neglected and the food was just okay. I don't think we'll be going back; there's better places. Many of them around here! :) But then I was tired and crabby - oh, they also auto-included our tip on the bill & that was kind of icing on the crapcake - and I didn't feel like going to dance, but I asked the Hunk to take me and that kind of made it better. So we're driving to class and I realize that I don't remember taking my laptop in from the car after dinner. And I look around. And I don't see it IN the car, either.


In fact, perhaps even FML.

AURGH! And even now, I'm writing with them and there are students who have decided that my assignments don't matter. Little pishers! "Fill the page" does NOT mean write three words per line with holes in between them. OMG-WTF-EVER.

So anyway. Fortunately we were able to call the restaurant. Asked them about the laptop, said we'd just been there, they asked, "Oh! Are you the ones who were reading?" So we did get a bit of a laugh out of that. The Hunk dropped me off at dance and then went back to get my computer. He is so amazing. I don't deserve anybody that wonderful.

Lately dance class has been ... invigorating, certainly. But it leaves me feeling stupid. I suck at remembering choreography - I just can't GET it the way everyone else seems to. It's like four weeks into a seven-week class and I'm still muddling through the very beginning. I feel unbelievably incompetent. It sucks.

Then this morning. Ready to go, we get in the car, and she's giving us trouble shifting. Agatha, come ON! We just had her in the shop in... July, I think. So we get down to the second stop sign and she WILL NOT go into first gear. We finally managed to get her into reverse and drove in reverse back that block and back into our driveway. I am SO GLAD my parents had moved to the area or we would've missed the whole day. Ugh.

GAH! I wrote this on Friday but I'm not posting it until Saturday. Tells you what kind of day it was :P

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Good Habits - August 26

So some of the comments on an EC Ning post brought up some really painful memories. We live in the Deep South, and while back north of the Mason-Dixon line I was slightly right of the area's center, here I am apparently a liberal heathen. For the most part, I just suck it up and soldier on, because I don't know how to do otherwise with any grace.

I would hope that, if I were an area where my views weren't on the fringe, I would still retain an awareness that there are those to whom they seem preposterous. I know that I don't understand, for example, what it means to be ... racially oppressed, I guess, comes the closest to what I mean. I've lived in places where I was a racial minority, but even there being white meant privilege.

I'm not apologizing for it. I am who I am, and if it's not something I can change, I'm not going to waste time moping about it. Privilege is awfully nice. It's nice to feel valued. It's nice to truly believe that what you say, or do, really matters. It's nice to have agency.

Tangent: haven't heard back yet from the salon where I ordered my purple wig. I really really really hope it comes in today or tomorrow! I sooo want to wear it for the hafla tomorrow night!

Back to the point: There are many ways in which I'm privileged. Most of them, in fact. But one instance in which I've missed it is in being female in a subtly patriarchal culture. In this area, it is taken for granted that women are supposed to want marriage and children. It is taken for granted that men are the primary breadwinners, and that a woman's work outside the home is secondary to her role as primary caregiver. It astounds and horrifies me that people (can) say that as a wife, the only decisions I should make are those that my husband delegates to me.

Other than that, I love living where I do.

I am absolutely overwhelmed with the revamping plus having three preps at once. I feel like I'm always behind. I'm always tired - not physically exhausted, or sleepy, just tired. It's not too bad. But there's always an undercurrent of stress. There is just SO MUCH to do. I don't have a sub for tomorrow. I spent most of my planning time calling and leaving the same damn message. It was incredibly frustrating, because there is so much other stuff to do. AURGH! Photo day is coming up and I'm scared because we've got a new photography company and I don't know quite what to expect.

And Pipsqueak is not working. ONCE AGAIN! I get so tired of this crap. It's absolutely ridiculous. So do I NOT write and just go police the room? Or do I write with them, which is what everyone says I should be doing? The quickwrite I assigned them was about their ideal day. Pip was also supposed to come by yesterday for detention and did NOT. So I guess I get to write him up. Woo.

My ideal day would be one in which I woke up and found that everything had been arranged already. Photo shoots had already been scheduled, the whole way through the year. Lesson plans were all transferred over onto the inconvenient form that our administration makes us use. All of the messages left for me with questions about senior portrait retakes had already been answered. All my announcements had been turned in to the front office. All of our ads had been sold for both the newspaper and the yearbook. All students had ordered and paid for a book and had already received their receipts. All of the students in my classes had completed their homework and turned it in and it was already graded.

"Overwhelmed" only BEGINS to describe it. I don't particularly want to go to bellydance tonight. Right now I just want to go home and vegetate. I want to tell this class to just read for the entire period. I don't want to bother with lesson planning. I'm tired of students trying to squeeze two extra minutes - the pass says you're excused at 1:45, kiddo, I'll let you out of the room when the clock says 1:45 and not a moment before.

Some days make me wonder...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Good Habits - August 25

So every class begins with a quickwrite. And I'm supposed to write along with them. Does that mean I'm supposed to write for the first 10 minutes of every class period? That's an AWFUL lot of writing. Plus also I'm supposed to do attendance during that time and make sure the door is locked and my lesson plans are posted and whatnot.

I'm perpetually tired. I'm definitely not looking forward to chemo on Friday. Right now I'm just feeling overwhelmed with everything I'm supposed to be remembering to do. I also need to contact the cheer, football, and cross-country coaches about times for their meets and I don't even know who they are. *sigh*

Today in Journalism II we are going to plan out our yearbook pages, contact our advertisers, and choose the teachers we're going to contact for beats. I need to collect writer's notebooks tomorrow and Friday. I'll have my sub pick them up during that last class and then give them to one of the teachers coming to the hafla. (They don't know it's going to be a hafla yet.)

I went for a walk in the park this evening! Plus I packed my lunch and it was a salad. I did pretty good today. I just finished up my WoW jewelcrafting daily quest, and now after I turn it in I'm gonna go soak in the tub.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Good Habits - August 23

I desperately need to do a better job of eating my veggies. Cancer is gonna make me fat. Case in point? Breakfast today: pie. Hey, I made it for dessert last night, there's only two of us, so there's leftovers. Tasty tasty.

So today we have GOT to go grocery shopping. We need salad greens (obviously), trash bags, milk, eggs, juice... I'm forgetting things, I know.

I need to call the surgeon and ask what's up with this tendon under my arm. Will it stretch out over time? Or am I stuck with limited range of movement now? I will be rather angry if the latter is the case - no one said ANYTHING about losing full use of my arm. NOT a happy cookie about that.

Still can't find my phone, though.

Oh dear. And the Hunk just said he wants to B'kow (our phrase for McDonald's). And I'm gonna get a sammitch. Because they are just SO SO GOOD! Aurgh.

I also need to call the oncologist and make sure I know when my chemo is this week so I get a sub for the right day.

And I need to plan out my Journalism stuff. I didn't do that yesterday (bad me!) but I can do it during planning today. After YET ANOTHER MEETING we'll have to sit through. Oh, and then there's ANOTHER one tomorrow. Good GRIEF.

Today after school I'd like to try to pick up my other wigs. I don't know if they'll be in or not, but I've got my fingers crossed.

And now it's time to finish getting ready!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Good Habits - August 22

Oh dear. It's already Sunday. Well, fortunately the only things I have planned are getting my head the rest of the way shaved, going out to eat, and creating lessons for Journalism I and a schedule for Journalism II. And maybe working on the list of panels I want to go to at NCTE.

No church today, though that means we will probably field some calls this afternoon. I wish I knew where my phone was.

I've been up for awhile reading blog posts and I'm going to go ahead and use one of my comments as the rest of my freewrite. So there. And then I'm going to go brush my teeth because I think I didn't. I did have breakfast - a leftover chicken strip and a roll, and a bowl of oatmeal... and a bunch of candy corn. Not my fault, though; the Hunk left them over here by the computer and they are SO TASTY!!

So I read a post on Courtney's blog about how female geeks tend to self-label, and an earlier one that it linked to. Go read those first, then come back here.

Are you done yet?

Okay. So this is what I said:
I'm sure I'm going to think about this more, but I wanted to go ahead and comment while it was fresh in my brain. (I got here from Courtney's link, btw.)

Labeling female groups as 'girls' tends to be less threatening than 'women.' But what I'm hearing is "oh, we don't want to upset da menz!" and I think there's a LOT more to it than that, though perhaps not consciously.

Part of it is possibly due to the dominant culture's idolization (idealization? maybe both?) of youth. It's like we're trying to balance out the black mark of being female, or saying "being female isn't bad, see? I'm young and cute and fun!"

Additionally, females in ages past had incredibly limited opportunities, and so girlhood today is in many ways about all the opportunities available to females that weren't there before. 'Girl power' stuff often clarifies this - the "girls can do anything!" idea. But as we age, we make choices. We say, "I'm going to do this instead of that." We trade out opportunity for expertise. I tend to think expertise trumps opportunity, but I don't see it being lauded the way it perhaps should be. And of course it doesn't help that expertise in women tends to be valued less than it is in men. :(

But most significantly I take issue with the idea (and I think I felt this more in Courtney's post) that self-labeling as 'girls' rather than 'women' is less subversive. I just flat-out disagree. I think the opposite is true: because the word 'girl' implies less power, it is less openly aggressive, yes. But open aggression is kind of the opposite of subversion.

In the war against privilege (particularly male privilege, in this case) girls are the scouts and spies. They can infiltrate the base and even ingratiate themselves. It is more 'womanly' to challenge a man about a privileged statement by saying "that's misogynistic and hateful;" it is more 'girly' to say "when you posted that, it made me feel bad. I wish you wouldn't."

Both tactics can be effective. And if we want to change the culture, why should we limit ourselves to one or the other?
I'm a feminist, but I prefer to be subversive. In some ways, it's easier: instead of taking a stand ahead of time, you get to bide your time until privilege rears its ugly head to you personally. Of course, there's usually not a lot of time to bide... ;)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Good Habits - August 21

I really don't feel like writing. I don't want to write. I hate this. Plus also I know that I ought to write a reflection of how my first week back at school went. So it feels like this is kind of redundant.

My hair is almost completely gone. I got my first two wigs yesterday, then we came home and hacked away at my hair until it was longish stubble, then took a straight razor to my head. It was amazing how much hair I still had when it was only an inch or two long. The back is now completely shorn and it feels amazing. I love running my hand over my naked scalp. It just loooves to be petted. Well, with the grain, anyway. Against the grain isn't painful; it just isn't as ahhhhhhh as being petted the "right" way.

The dark red wig is super-cute. We went out to eat last night and I had the best hair in the restaurant! Whee! The blonde one is probably not going to work, which is a bummer. The roots are teased to give it more volume, and as a result it's kind of an un-style-able mass. Mess? It falls in my face and if I try to pull the front sections back, it's really easy to see the false hairline.

And I also tried on Nana's wig. It is little-old-lady hair, and the tag says it's synthetic so I don't think it can be dyed. Alas, no blue hair for me unless I buy one that comes blue (I'm NOT shelling out for natural hair and then dyeing that). Anyway, I think it's adorable. It is SO FUNNY because it's very obviously a little-old-lady wig but... I don't know, I think I pull it off pretty well.

Sometime today I should hear about my other one, but it might not be in until Monday. I'm kind of hoping for today, because I'd like to wear that one to the hafla tonight if it looks good. We'll see!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Good Habits - August 20

I really don't feel like writing today.

I did brush my teeth last night. And wash my face. The blemish right below my nose seems to be mostly healed.

I am eating cereal and DAMMIT we are NOT going to McDonald's today!

I didn't go for my walk yesterday because I ended up working until 6. Now that's with a visit from a former student and eating-while-working for a bit (the Hunk went to get Chinese take-out for us). But it's also with help from the Hunk. So overall I think I got out of there a good bit faster than I would've alone.

Hopefully we'll get to pick up my wigs after I have my blood work done today. I'm also dancing at a hafla tomorrow, so I really really hope they look good. I've been excited for awhile, but now I'm also sort of nervous.

My hair has been coming out quite steadily since yesterday. Wednesday was when I first noticed it, but yesterday it started tufting. But what I was really glad about was that I talked to a lady at our school who'd been diagnosed and gone through treatment last year and she said that her arm and leg hairs came out too. And I mean, that kind of makes sense, because cytotoxic therapy attacks cell division so it really does affect ALL your hair.

Including the hair Down There, if you know what I mean. In between classes (teachers can only do what must be done at certain times, after all) I got a bit of a surprise in my drawers. I remember going, "oh my. How interesting."

The neat thing is that I've lost a lot of the sensation under my right arm since my most recent surgery. And the first time I tried to shave I just couldn't, because since I couldn't feel it I was scared I'd cut myself (because you can hardly see it, either).

So now at least that's something I won't have to worry about for three more months! Losing brows and lashes might stink but there's pencils for brows, and I've used falsies for bellydance before. Now I guess I just get more practice!

The hardest part was last night. The Hunk brushed my hair out and it felt soooo good. I mean, I just like it when he brushes my hair. It's incredibly soothing, because he's so gentle, and being touched so softly by someone who loves you so much is just amazing.

But then later he mentioned that it had been really hard for him to do and he started crying and ... I can't make it better. :( I know exactly what he means - it's this constant reminder that something really is terribly wrong.

This particular symptom is hardest because quite literally, I'm falling apart. And there's nothing he can do about it except try to encourage me and support me. The thing is, though, I already have lots of encouragement and support. I think it's starting to leak out my ears!! But it's got to be even harder for him, because I think he feels like... like somehow he doesn't have the right to be upset or frustrated or worried because he's not the one with cancer. Or no, that's not right. That he can't SHOW his frustration or worry because it might upset ME. I think that's closer.

But I told him that I figured we'd each have some down times, and I wanted him to let me be there for him, too, just like I know he's here for me.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Good Habits - August 18

We got up so late that I think I didn't brush my teeth. *sigh* And I was so hungry that I ate a bowl of cereal and STILL wanted a McDonald's sandwich.

I don't know if I'm going to meet my word count, either. I'm tired and achy, and I got a full night's sleep last night - and then some. I slept right through class I was so tired. Completely forgot about it. Slept from like 5-10 and then had dinner. Went back to bed around midnight and slept through until the second alarm. Neither of us noticed the first one at all.

Side effects growing more noticeable. There's this zingy feeling in my mouth - a faintly metallic taste, like I'm sucking on a penny. I can't taste my food as much, but it's weird because it's still very satisfying. We had pizza tonight and it was particularly good - perhaps because of the variety of textures.

And I think my hair is starting to come out. I kind of freaked out today at school when I had an itch on my scalp, I scratched, and came away with a dozen strands.

Dammit, I'm not undead! I'm not supposed to have bits and pieces of me falling off! But I shake my head and ... whee, there goes another one onto the keyboard.

Fortunately I pick up my wigs on Friday. So over the weekend I'll probably get my head shaved and on Monday come in as a redhead. I've never shorn my head before. I wonder what that'll feel like.

I reeeally miss being able to have the Hunk "crunch" me. Haven't felt comfortable with that since surgery. But my shoulder and arm are feeling so much better. Maybe in another week or so we can get back to that.

302! woot!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Good Habits - August 17

Well, I did NOT go for my walk after school yesterday - I spent too much time talking to other teachers about the first day! hahaha. OTOH I did spend a solid near-two-hours working up a sweat at bellydance. I figure that should count.

I brushed my teeth before bed. I did NOT eat an extra Oreo truffle as a snack. I didn't eat very many greens yesterday though... the green beans in lunch were crunchy, and I don't like them that way, so I only had a couple of bites. :P

Haven't yet brushed my teeth this morning, but I figure that's okay because it's four-frickin' thirty. I figure I'll be ok on half a night's sleep so long as we come straight home and I take a nap. I stayed up until past midnight because after I came home from class I worked on a flier for the upcoming hafla.

I woke up from a bad dream. I was having some extra symptoms - don't remember what - and all these doctors were people I didn't know and they kept saying they weren't sure what was going on but they wanted to do another test and here's a referral to someone who will do it. Then THAT doctor would say the same thing and give me a NEW referral to a NEW doctor and I'd have to find my way to wherever THAT office was... actually very similar to the start of my issues lately, only more so. And VERY frustrating.

But perhaps it was residual frustration because last night I actually went LOOKING for the unit plans I had written out for my photojournalism class and I just could NOT find them. I was - and in fact I still am - SO MAD. I mean, these are GOOD. And... I just have no idea. Spiral-bound notebook, toward the beginning... I've looked through all the notebooks I can find and they're not in any of them.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Live Chat with Mary Roach

Eeee! Mary Roach answered one of my questions during the live chat at Goodreads - She said that she did NOT vomit on the "Vomit Comet."

I like that she talks about persistence - that if you can find the reason behind the "no," sometimes you can work around it. And sometimes if you ask multiple times (presumably nicely) people will go from "no" to "yes."

Yay! She also answered (or, well, at least addressed) my question about rapid decompression. Apparently if your suit rips in space you actually have a little bit of time to get back in the ship before you die horribly! There was a movie... gosh, I can't remember the title... where the guy gets too far away from the ship and to prevent another astronaut (his wife) from sacrificing herself to save him, he pops his helmet open.

She likes Bill Bryson because he mixes information and humor.

Just so neat. Her enthusiasm for discovering new things and exploring is just ... encouraging? I'm not sure that's the word I'm looking for, but it's close. Not quite inspiring or endearing. Something along those lines.

Oo, she got to go on The Daily Show, "face spackled with the makeup (thank God)" hahaha... she got to talk to JS in makeup and as he was leaving he said "with this audience... we're gonna be talking about poop." and it made her a bit less nervous. *grin*

Good Habits - August 16

Today I'm going to go with the 15-minute writing rule as a cap, JUST IN CASE. It's the first day back with students and of course I don't want to be LATE. So at six-fifty I'm posting, whatever happens.

I realized just this morning that while I completely revamped my curriculum for Journalism I, I didn't do a darn thing to the syllabus! Oo, I need to throw my muffin wrapper away. Oops. And I should really be packing my bag up. At least I already let the puppy out to pee and put food and water in his dishes.

See, this is why I don't write. There are just too many other things to do. I don't know if I want breakfast or not. I'm just a little hungry, but I know I'm also nervous and excited, and goodness knows that if it ratchets up much farther I'm going to be glad of an empty stomach. I wonder if I have any of those white macadamia Luna bars left. Then I could take that with me and nosh on it if I calmed down.


Our dept chair texted me and said she was making something special. I bet it's Oreo truffles. Ommmm, those are SO SO GOOD! But then again, if I don't have something in me and I nosh on THOSE they'll probably send me bouncing off the walls with all that sugar!

They're made by crushing up Oreos and mixing the crumbs with cream cheese. Then you roll that mixture into little balls and dip the little balls into melted dark or white chocolate, and then finally drizzle the tops with the other color so it contrasts. MAN, they're good. I mean, I prefer cream cheese as a savory rather than a sweet, and I love 'em.

I bet I made my word count early! Let's see.

308, heck yeah!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 14

My husband is the most amazing man the world has ever known (with a possible exception, on principle, of Christ).

He's sleeping over there on the sofa and I just want to go wake him up for a kiss. (Again.) Because I love him so much. He is sweet and sexy and fun and just a little nerdy and a bit more goofballish and patient and kind and brilliant and charming and humble. And that's off the top of my head. If I need to add to my word count I'll just come back to this paragraph and think a little more.

Today is our wedding anniversary. (I actually was thinking "this Saturday is our wedding anniversary" and then I realized that it IS Saturday now!) Six years, and we still twinkle at each other so much that servers regularly ask us if we want to split the check.

Mostly I don't have regrets in life, but one possible one is that we were "old" before we met. I mean, not old-old, but ... there were quite a few potentially-married years there. But then maybe if we'd met earlier things would've been different... WE would've been different... and it wouldn't've worked out. Which obviously would have been WORSE. Of course, though, I wouldn't've known it was worse. I wouldn't've known what I was missing. Which is scary, kind of.

I think I've told the story before, but I'm too lazy to go search through Epic Adventures, about how we met and I flat-out told him that I wasn't interested in any kind of serious relationship. Not with anyone - even him. (I was quite content as a single girl... it was kinda fun!) Just hooking up, cuz he was sexy and fun. And sweet.

But the more I got to know him, the more my subconscious started kicking the other parts of my brain, saying DON'T BE A COMPLETE IDIOT! It's not even like he actively DID anything to try to change my mind. He was just himself, and I kept waiting to find "the snake in the cookie jar." (My exact phrase, I swear.)

It didn't take too long for me to decide that even if I found something major later on, he was still worth it. (He proposed to me less than six months after we met and it felt like I had to wait FOR FRIKKIN EVER.) That was on Valentine's Day, 2004. Exactly half a year later (six months to the day!), we got married.

If you're reading this, you probably know me already through my online persona, at least to some degree. You know I'm not a romantic. I'm thoroughly practical. It was completely a practical decision. Sometimes I feel guilty (yes, literally guilty) because I'm NOT romantic and I took the best guy out of the picture for everyone else. On a regular basis, I wince and then apologize telepathically to every other woman on the planet because... I know I don't deserve him, but he offered, and I wasn't so dumb or so altruistic that I'd say no!

I love my Hunk! Many happy returns, baby. :)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 13

Another minor quibble: I think the chemo has made me weak. Physically weak. Know how I can tell? I can't open my own damn med bottles! AUUURGH! hahahaha! of alll the ironies, you know?!

what's especially hilarious about this is that the ONE that I can still open easily - we got it at a different pharmacy - is my pain med. wuhu! ;D

Thing is, most of it's on like a 4ish hour cycle, so now it's just-past-2 AM and I'm awake cuz the antifungal for my thrush wore off and OW OW OW. I may also need to take some more pain meds. I haven't been on them every 4 hours, but I went to BELLYDANCE last night again, YAY!! but it's an advanced class and I think I might well need the pain meds even if I was at full health! WOOO boy, did we work. I was sore afterward but it was a good kind of sore. Stretchy-sore. My range of motion improved dramatically during class (since my latest surgery). Plus I was JUST at the dr today and he said it was okay to stretch. Plus also I was not on prescription pain med during class - just some Aleve - in part because I'm trying to wean off them, but also in part because I don't want to lose awareness and push myself TOO far. Soo yeah, a little tender right now but I think it's all good.

I was thinking earlier tonight about Queen. See, I enjoy quite a few of their songs. But there's one - "Fat-Bottomed Girls" - that has stuck in my craw for a long time. I think it's hateful. Part of that is based on a mis-heard line, but even after finding the corrected version I can't shake it. It's the line "Take me to them dirty ladies every time." Now by "dirty" they mean 'uninhibited;' the song definitely does NOT go for the 'fat=eew!' cultural archetype, which I guess is good at least.

But for the longest time I thought it was "Take me to them lonely ladies every time." And even though it's not, the implication is pretty clear - fat girls are uninhibited because they're so desperately starved for affection. The song is saying that it's great to go out with fat girls because you can get them to do "dirty" things (because they're lonely).

And the song is SO catchy and bouncy and fun-sounding... and I can't stand it anymore. And now that effect has spread to their other songs. I just... listening to even "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" or even "Bohemian Rhapsody" ... it makes me cringe. How can someone create such a happy little song with words that are so hateful? either that or be SO IGNORANT? I mean, just colossally ignorant.

I don't understand that.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 12

This thrush stuff? SUUUCKS. My mouth hurts SO BAD. It just stings and stings. And the magic mouthwash that the doctor gave me yesterday isn't helping all that much. Maybe it's too early but MY GOD how I want this to go away. It's like I can't even THINK about anything else. And I need to be able to think! I only have two more days of pre-plan.

Day and a half, really; my doctor's appointment got changed from this afternoon so it looks like I'm going to miss the entire frickin' morning. I will be super-grumpy if they put more meetings in. OOOo boy will I be grumpy.

I need to figure out how to use iMovie so that I can synch up a photo/text slideshow with music. I think I can do that with something called slideshare? maybe? also but I don't know how to use it and I'm running short on time.

Plus, all I can think about is OW OW OW OW my mouth hurts dammit! It's awful. It makes the thought of taking my meds even WORSE because I just don't want to swallow ANYTHING.

Please, please, please God. PLEASE. Make this go away. It hurts to eat, it hurts to talk, it hurts to smile. And I'm used to smiling a LOT.

Dammit, it even hurts to cry.

One of the other teachers at our dept meeting yesterday mentioned the ning and I was like OH COOL but then last night I had a nightmare about getting outed. Although it wasn't specific to the ning (it was about an ex tracking me down) I think that was what provoked it. I mean, I would looove for the other teachers in my dept to be active on the ning but I also really really like being pseudonymous. So. I don't know.

I am kind of planning to out myself at the NCTE conference because NOW I CAN GO!! Yes, I got permission from the admin. So. Very psyched.

And I'm sure I've met my word count, so bye!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 11

Today is our second day back at school. I knew I missed it but I hadn't realized how much! This is like a second home for me. It just feels so nice to walk into my classroom and begin thinking where I'm going to put my posters this year and how I can make the classroom library accessible without being in the way. My room is like a sanctuary. I love my rolly chairs and my windows. I love my computer area along the walls. I love my closet and my supply drawer. I love my little printer tables that I use for teacher desks. I love that I can have the big teacher desk set up as another computer workstation. I love the big color laserprinter. I love that I have the digital clock in the front of the room covered with a mini-poster, and I have my analog clock hanging in the back of the room. I don't love long, boring meetings, particularly when I feel my time could be used more productively.

How much longer, Papa Smurf?


Yesterday I was mad because I thought I left the power cords at home. Turns out they were in the classroom and just boxed up! Derh. But then today I forgot the ad sale book again. Either that or it's somewhere that I don't know where it is. I need to check the filing cabinets.

I'm SO sleepy just sitting here. I'm taking notes on the meeting to try to help me stay alert and focused but it's SO HARD. Somehow the aches aren't helping; you'd think they'd make it easier.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 10

Today's gross-you-out moment is brought to you by the newest affliction with which I've been... uh... afflicted: THRUSH.

No, no photos. Just trust me. This is awful.

It really ticks me off. I mean, hello, God? WTF? I have enough on my plate without giving me MORE reason to have ZERO appetite, plus extra-hurlies for anything I manage to choke down. I mean, honest. I am really pretty pissed off at the world for dumping this on me.

OTOH it is supposedly pretty easy to get rid of, so thanks be for small favors. Ugh. My tummy is just roiling. I wish they could've diagnosed this in the ER on Sunday night, because then it wouldn't've gotten this bad. UGH.

Did get to have my drain taken out today YAY! which means there will likely be some swelling BOO, but at least I won't perpetually be worrying about yanking on stitches YAY YAAAAY!

I really don't have much else I want to say. Thrush sucks, thrush sucks, thrush sucks. I'm going to do my daily jewelcrafting quest for World of Warcraft, then soak in the tub for a bit and plan out what all I'm going to do tomorrow at school, then maybe it'll be late enough that I can go to bed.

I am SO looking forward to my tomorrow's doctor appointment and getting some meds to take care of this nasty.

And I haven't met my word count, but you know what? Eff that. I don't care.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Magic Beans!

Jack was so right. Magic beans > cow. No contest.

I feel SOOOO much better now that I am medicated!!! I am putting on my purple I-look-faboo gear and I am going to DO something! Maybe after dinner I will even go EXERCISE with my mommy!


My pain meds ran out and apparently drs aren't open over the weekend. OW OW OW.

Mostly today was good but this is making it end on a not-so-good.

We ended up going to the ER last night. Everything takes For Ev Ar. We wait and wait and wait and they do tests and everything comes back negative except we're waiting on one and finally they sent us home and said they would call.

and so I got 4 hours of sleep and I am so tired but I hurt and I don't want to hurt. I am not so tired as yesterday which is super-good cuz hopefully tomorrow will be even better!

But people are coming over this afternoon and I'd really like to nap before then so that I can be social instead of grouchy.

The Hunk is going to pick up my new pain pills HURRAY HURRAY! Mommy made me some egg salad for a sandwich, lots of celery, yum.

The ER left us a message and said my thyroid is a little overactive which maybe would explain why I'm all the time thirsty and my mouth feels weird. Set up a dr appointment with the family doc for tomorrow but also gonna call the oncologist in a few minutes after lunch to see if maybe it's cuz of my meds. Hopefully it's not and we can do something about it rather than I just have to suck it up.

I don't like suck it up. I'm tired of that.

And also I snagged my drain tube a little yesterday and HOLY SMOKES THAT HURT SO BAD and it still hurts too. Please Hunk drive safe but fast...

I hope it doesn't hurt like that when they take out the drain!!! oh, that would be bad. But I really REALLY want it gone. It's grody. And I miss being able to take nice deep soaky-baths. I'm going to have a shallow one as soon as I finish my sandwich. So since I'm pretty sure I've met my word count Imonna eat it so's I can soaky.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 7

Well, yesterday afternoon kind of got swallowed up so I didn't get to go back to my Real Writing from yesterday. It's still in my drafts, though, so hopefully you'll get to see it soon.

OTOH, I did go by a fabric store and pick up some scarf material. I'm sooo psyched! After I come home from the salon today one of the things I'm going to do is practice some basic hijab styles. Maybe. If I'm not ready for a nap by then.

I had a big ol' nap yesterday evening, then I was up from about 10-12 at night, then in bed again by 12:30 or 1. Woke up at 7 but went back to sleep. Up now and I'm still kind of dozy. I feel like I could go back to sleep. But at this point I really need to get ready to go get my shot. :(

Interrupted because I had to go wake up the Hunk to tell him it's time to get up and get dressed so's I can get my shot. Man, it bums me out that I messed that up yesterday. It's just SO confusing with all the different offices I go to. I went to the wrong branch of the right office and they had something to do to me so they did it but it was just mixed up and this poor nice lady kept waiting for me but I never came by to the right branch of the right office. :(

So she sent the instructions over to the ER and now I gotta go over there this morning. BUMMER.

OTOH, I made my word count. ^.^ Yay!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 6

Okay, this is going to be super-short because I was actually up shortly after 5 doing some Real Writing and I'm going to count that. I hope to get it finished up (I got so tired I couldn't keep typing) later today and put it up here.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My tomorrow list!

My writing buddy, Mardie, created a very insightful blog post that inspired me! Tomorrow I will:

- Wake up.
- Realize I was dreaming. Sometimes this takes awhile.
- Put my hair in a ponytail. My hair-thingy is on the right nightstand.
- Go into the bathroom and brush my teeth. I now have super-foamy mouthwash. Yay!
- Empty my drain and record the amount in the Special Chart the doctor gave me.
- Take a nausea pill.
- Take a pain pill, maybe probably. For my cramps if nothing else. (Yeah, menstrual cramps on top of everything else! Yeesh.)
- Eat breakfast. This is taking awhile.
- Update Facebook.
- Do my freewrite. I started it, but it's LONG.
- Get dressed.
- Make sure I have my prescription for wigs and prosthetics. I can't find them!! :(
- Go to my first wig consultation. He was sooo nice! I can't wait to order my wig. Oo, I have to call and let him know insurance said we're good.
- Call tech support at the yearbook publisher to find out why I can't edit the supplement pages. apparently, it was some kind of fluke. things are fine.
- Go to my second wig consultation. At this one I can also look at mastectomy bras and prosthetics. Possibly get fitted. Except I got a call that I had to go get a shot.
- Have lunch. I figure it was ok to skip lunch cuz breakfast ended at 12:20 :P
- Take another nausea pill and empty the drain again.
- Afternoon: Relax. Edit yearbook pages if possible. Chatter on the ning. If the other teachers from my department have the afternoon free, maybe go to a salon to get my hair lopped off for donation. Get the remainder cut into a cute swing bob and dyed blonde. Last one is scheduled for tomorrow!
- Evening: Head up to the ex-mall for a WALK after dinner. YAY! This isn't happening today. :( I accidentally got bloodwork (scheduled for Monday) instead of the shot that was scheduled for today cuz I went to the wrong office and I thought I did was I was sposta but I dint. :( It got me all kerfuffled so I came home and napped instead
- Before bed, empty the drain again & take another nausea pill.
- Brush teeth.
- Have the Hunk tuck me in and give me a good-night kiss.

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 5

Poetry, poetry, poetry, poetry.

I am determined to read a poem every other day to my students. Not just during that unit, but all the way through the school year. But that's a lot of poems, and I don't think I have that many that I like.

Except I think that I miscounted, because we're on that A/B schedule ... I won't need but half as many poems. There's a total of 169 days of school, so (in theory) we'll have 85 A-days and 84 B-days.

So I'm covered. Cool!

I think what I want to do now is see if I can make improvements. All of these are poems that I like, but not all of them are ones that I like so much that I just want to share them with EVERYONE EVERYWHERE.

And there's the old-white-dude thing; most of the poems are from old white dudes. I don't know how much I want to highlight that, because our culture still values old white dudes more than non-OWDs, and how much I want to push against it because should we draw attention to it? does that just reinforce it?

I'm in this interesting floaty place. It's my meds. I only took one pill this morning but boy is it hitting me hard. I am SO ready to be over this surgery. I sure hope they take the drain out. It just feels like it's taking so much longer than the last one (I mean years ago, not earlier this summer; obviously this one's going to take longer because they cut a lot deeper).

I miss having a fully functional body. HURRY UP AND HEAL, DARNIT!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Soooo frustrated

So I came to Panera because they have freefillable coffee and I need to finish reviewing the pages for the 2010 supplement. And it is taking For. Freaking. Ever. to get anything to load on the Jostens site. AURGH! It's not helping that all of a sudden I am just WIPED.

I think Imonna head home and take a nap. But I am gonna KEEP my damn freefillable coffee cup and come BACK and get my freefills. GRRR!!!

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 4

So I go to the plastic surgeon again tomorrow. Hopefully he'll remove my drain! I'm not really all that happy about how long reconstruction will take.

The Hunk made breakfast for me this morning. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband.

And I am also glad that I have insurance. We are paying some of my medical bills and HOO BOY. Let me tell you, surgery is not cheap.

Today mom and I are going to go shopping for wigs and mastectomy stuff. I need to remember to tell the plastic surgeon that I will need a prescription for any prosthetics or other special gear in order to have it covered by insurance.

And my first chemo appointment is tomorrow. I wonder what that's going to be like.

We are also going to go by the school to see if I can get my NCTE trip approved. That way I can tell the chemo lady it's a done deal and they can schedule my appointments around it. I've got my fingers crossed.

I'm starting to drift off here. I'm in the comfy chair, there's just enough ambient noise to be soothing, I has a soft pillow tucked under my arm, my feet are propped up.... ahhh. Plus since we'll be out and about today I did take a pain pill before breakfast. Those make me drowsy.

I wonder if I've met my word count yet. Somehow I doubt it.

Hey, 242! That means that by the time I finish this sentence, I'll be done! YAY!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 3

Okay, so. Met with the oncologist today. I don't know WHAT it is, but we just don't click. Like, at all. I just get this vibe that he's talking at me and around me, but not TO me. I'm sure it didn't help at all that I was still on pain meds and already pretty ticked at having to sit and wait and WAIT and wait, but whatever. I was just SO frustrated.

Long story short, there is NO chance for having ANY of my therapies done concurrently (warning: link is probably NSFW). But, whatever. I finally - FINALLY! - get to start my chemo on Thursday. Six sessions, three weeks apart, which means I should be done just before Thanksgiving.

Then it'll be time for who-knows-how-much radiation. That's an every day thing. Similar side effects, but milder.

I'm also supposed to get some genetic testing done. I am so TIRED OF TESTING. My God. My poor left arm is all beat-up from all the needles that have gone in it.

And the results of THAT test will determine how many pills I'll have to take for the rest of my life, as well as how easy it'll be to do the prophylactic surgeries on my other side and my ovaries.

Reconstruction is probably going to take me WELL into next year. Dammit.

SO tired of dealing with this. And just ... people who mean well but are ... well, ignorant. Asking? Asking is all good. Telling? Not so good. Telling me how I should feel or how I will feel or ... no, seriously, just don't go there. It is FINE if you want to tell me about YOUR EXPERIENCE. But ... do people not realize how idiotic it sounds when they try to tell me what my experience is going to be like, based on their experience?!

It is perfectly okay for you to tell me about your experience. It doesn't HAVE to be about me. Crikeys.

I mean, do I come across as THAT self-absorbed?


Today's freewrite will be a little later cuz I'm going to the oncologist in just a little bit and I still need to finish breakfast. YAY! FINALLY!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 2

So it is now after 9 on Monday and I still haven't heard a peep from any of my doctors. I would really, really, REALLY like to have some answers about my continuing therapy. I don't want to have to wait another two weeks before somebody decides to tell me SOMETHING, and then end up waiting even LONGER to actually DO something about it.

Why yes, I am a little disgruntled.

Teachers return to school a week from tomorrow. Hopefully I will be sufficiently recovered that I can move boxes and whatnot without too much trouble.

To-do for this week: proof and submit the pages for the supplement; check the nameplate list & submit that; finish at least the lesson plans for units 2 and 3, and sketch out an overview for units 4-7.

I really don't have much else that I feel like writing about.

Hm. I guess you can get used to anything. I have a tube sticking out of my side (where they did the surgery) that feeds into this little bulb - it's like a clear version of those things that suck snot out of baby noses. Only (thankfully) the stuff in it doesn't look like snot. If it did, I'd be pretty freaked out.

So four times a day I have to dump the bulb into a measuring cup and record the amount of the liquid it collected. And then the rest of the time I have to make sure that the tube isn't pinched and the bulb is squished so that it keeps the suction going.

The other annoying thing is that since I feel like I have to be incredibly careful with my arms (otherwise I get stabbed with pain) I haven't washed my hair in days. UGH. Gross. So that's on the to-do for today. We're going to see if the beanbag chair lines up well with the tub. I'll let ya know how that goes.

Met my word count! Woot!

Image thanks to http://www.sutree.com/

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Discipline Update & Freewrite: August 1

Well, this will be Day 3 of not exercising. I hope I don't regress too far.

My pain meds make my skin crawl. Not fun. Not a lot; mostly I can ignore it. But that's definitely going to be part of my interrogation tomorrow.

We're going to try to go to Sunday School today. I picked out an outfit that should be relatively easy to get in and out of.

The Hunk's parents brought over a basket of fruit and goodies before we left for the hospital on Friday. All kinds of fruit, some Pepperidge Farm cookies, and Werther's Originals sprinkled throughout. Tasty tasty! Then when Mom went grocery shopping, she picked up some shortbread cookies AND a Marie Callendar Razzleberry pie (my favorite!) at the store.

I really, really hope I don't regress too far!

I've also been working on my unit plans, and I had another bugaboo come up: how much reviewing and re-teaching will I need for syntax and paragraph structure?

I really can't think of anything else to write about. Weird, kind of - it's been a very eventful week!

Everyone keeps asking how they can help or what they can do, and to be honest, I just don't know. It's not like anyone can make my stitches heal faster or re-engineer my genes so that I can stop getting cancer in the first place. We've got plenty to eat, I'm chugging right along with my unit plans... it's pretty cool.

Also cool - I found out that our whole department has planning together. Woot! First time ever for me. Very excited about that.

Made my word count! Time to nap a bit more before Sunday School. :)